youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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