Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
