census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
