you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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