saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
