so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
where am i from again
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
