and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
