I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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