i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
