I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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