i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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