I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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