dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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