You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
