WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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