First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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