My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
