Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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