I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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