Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.