fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
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there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions