I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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