I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
