someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
