My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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