A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
