My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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