If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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