OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
