You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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