I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
