i permit you to call me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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