She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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