i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
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My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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