it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
