I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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