you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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