I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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