Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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