Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
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apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
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And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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