Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
