he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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