yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
