i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
