I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
