thus making me awesome and them whores
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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