So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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