your parents love me but you hate me
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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