Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
