Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
