I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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