my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.