I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
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everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.