she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
