I accidentally had phone sex last night
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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