But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
