I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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