My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
