I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
