It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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