the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he was CRYING into my vagina
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
