You don't have asthma, your pregnant
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
