if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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