i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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