I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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