based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
